No use handing me a writ -- While I’m trying to do my bit

Following on from KT's comment about "There is enough guilt attached to motherhood already!", I wanted to mention a valuable chat I had recently. I met up with a friend a few weeks' ago now and we caught up on how things were going - since meeting up regularly since having our babies a few weeks apart, it has been harder to meet up since we returned to work. Last time we met was Halloween 2010!

Baby Boom - I love this film

We talked about the differences, but also similarities in how we are doing. She's a high flying accounts executive person, working really hard to squeeze in her work to a four day week, keeping up with what's expected of her position and salary. Yes, she can afford to have a cleaner, someone to do the ironing, has company BMW and the lifestyle choices that come with it.
She was reassurring me when I was going over the reasons that led to my decision to leave my job and step out of career ladder and lose my personal income. I found it hard to accept the reassurrance at first, thinking, she works hard for her career, so must look at me and think I just don't have the stamina. Luckily, we kept the conversation going and my expectation of being viewed negatively was pushed out.

Instead she talked about the individual elements that go in to each working Mum's situation that can lead to swinging towards or away from working. For instance, her work is 25 minutes drive away, mine was 1 1/2 hours; she had a permanent contract, mine was a temporary two year contract; she was doing something that was familiar territory, whereas I was starting a different field to my PhD and was a first job following my qualification. And so on and so forth.

You will always feel guilty in one way or another

As we talked the main message that came through was that no matter what choices you make when you have children, you can never fit it all in. You will always feel guilty in one way or another. She feels uncomfortable over the time missed with her daughter, I can feel inadequate for no longer having an active career or income, that I'm leaning on my husband to take that burden. For example, I have my one potential paper in the pipeline from my limited time in work, yet I feel inferior and have not commented strongly about changes I may like to see in the paper because I find my non-employee status prevents me from thinking my opinion would be recognised in the way that my co-authors' opinions might be.

I feel a little less affected by comments like, "do you know what you should do now you're not working and you've got all this time? Do a degree!" and "So, what are you going to do now that you're not working?".

I don't know if this is new to anyone really, I just wanted to pass on the learning I went through. A little peace came in the fact that I could have an open conversation with my friend, despite our differing circumstances in our parenting/career balance, and feel no clash in our underlying intentions - just to be the best parents we can at the time.

Note: the title is taken from the lyrics of Not Guilty, by The Beatles.