Heaven or hellish?
I cannot underplay the state of my life at the moment. I am So Very Very Happy. (This is despite a few very definite feeling fat days - I think perhaps the jubilation of my new family setup contributed to me feeling invinceable to weight gain (something similar happened during my first pregnancy), and reality is setting in now, with the help of our home's first full length mirror, but that's another story... I've bought some sports gear and reminded myself of what healthy eating is, so just got to get some time to myself to get some exercise in and steer clear of foods in the "avoid" column I've written on the pinboard and things will work themselves out, I hope!)
I was prepared, through expectations based on the first 6 confusing months of figuring out what a baby was and how to care for one with Abigail, and the warnings of friends already with a second baby, ("for the first 4 weeks you'll wonder what you've done, but then it gets better") that it was going to be crazy. I was expecting there to be poo, sick and who knows what else everywhere, I was expecting alot of crying (from the young and older members of the family)... It was as if I was about to go into battle - head down and get through it for the rewards at the other side, whenever the otherside was reached.
B and I lost it a little as we stumbled day to day, patting, rocking, singing, driving, pushing buggies about to see if we could get Abbie to sleep on her own (my song was Eidelweiss, B's was "Show me the way to go home" - if we sing/hear it, it brings it all back!). She only really slept on me in my arms after a feed, or in the car or buggy. We didn't really use the sling as the babsling we purchased didn't quite work/feel right for us so we gave up (patience isn't a strong point when sleep deprived either). At night, co-sleeping soon became the only option, and because I didn't feel safe sitting up to feed. Although there weren't many breaks between feeding and sleeping, so I didn't get much rest through the 24 hour period. I seemed to have turned into a dummy and despite doing what I could to change this, nothing really did. B had a few drives into the country in the middle of the night so that I could get some relief. I remember meeting up with the other mums I'd met in pregnancy and being in awe of how together/awake they were. How did they manage it? I could barely focus to tie my shoelaces. I thought I just didn't have the stamina that the others had, or were they using some form of sleep training techniques that I just wouldn't sign up to? I didn't realise that they may just be getting substantially more sleep without doing anything in particular!
On the nursing-through-the-night front, a recent blog about babies getting reassurrance/comfort from feeding, even if they're actually not doing it for the milk (see Nurshable: I am not a human pacfier), has helped me feel less guilty or plain ignorant about how I fell into the trap of seemingly permanent feeds through the night with Abigail, it may not have been something I was doing after all, but just what she needed at that time. She moved from bed to cot at 6 months, sleeping through alone, very easily. Perhaps a case may close on that for me now.
So, this time I was more prepared for holding Thomas more and since getting on a lot better with different slings when Abbie was older (purely luck, as I signed up as a sling tester for Mother and Baby awards so got to try and keep a few when she was about 9 months old, and this reset my appreciation for their value for babies of varying ages), I was planning on making use of them second time around. I wasn't quite sure how Abigail would cope with a zombie Mum by day but was going to do my best and cross my fingers and toes that we'd figure things out.
I hear this so often when we're out, it's a phrase popular with many well wishers (I suspect no harm intended by it). I'm afraid I hate it. It categorises babies when they are just a ball of only-just-made-biology relying on their reflexes and basic needs to survive. They're not plotting any acts of terrorism. It also makes me feel that (as I did with Abigail), because she wasn't soundly sleeping when a young baby, that she/I were failing. Even though, I just say yes and change the subject in a pathetic sort of manner. I still feel the same about the question when they ask about Thomas. (Wish someone sent me this ecard (see left)).
He's a different baby, we're different parents.
I could very easily say yes to the good baby question now though (and in hindsight, I'd still say yes about Abbie too, even though their patterns of behaviour have been different). Thomas is doing the things I read and couldn't match up about babies and my own when trying to figure things out first time around.I don't know, but would expect it is for a combination of reasons, e.g., different baby, different time in the womb; home birth vs. fairly unpleasant induced birth; no hospitalisation vs 24 hours in NICU (and so separation from me during very early stage); breastfeeding established immediately from birth vs. up and downs as I learned how for first few weeks; different birth weights (9lb 3oz vs 6lb 14oz); awareness of the transition of my state onto the baby: remembering to breathe and slow down (thanks to Mother's Breath book) vs. stressed breathing and passing this on through singing/patting/rocking in a less than relaxed fashion...; we are more perceptive and experienced parents: we aren't nervous about him crying as can understand the cause of and now stop the crying every time by fixing that cause, where we didn't before (I shouldn't feed her, it wasn't long since last time so it must be something else; is it colic? what is colic?; rock her/don't rock her; you're holding her too much... but I want to, is this wrong?; just leave her to cry for five minutes/don't leave her etc. Feel The Tension Rising, Rod For Own Back ringing in my ears). The last few are down to experience, something we never could have had for Abigail.
From when he was born, he fed then after a nappy change and cuddles was put down to sleep for a few hours, before another feed/nappy and slept for hours the first day. Whilst B was on his fortnight of paternity leave (just paid holiday FYI!) it was pretty straightforward, he'd feed, wee/poo and sleep in the moses basket or on one of us (because it was nice and we wanted to!) during the day. With two of us, B could take care of Abbie while I focused on Thomas, and we'd swap/share time altogether whenever possible too. Although I put him down in the moses basket at night, I quickly switched to co-sleeping again. I was worried that I'd setup a similar scenario to Abbie's early months, but it never happened. Feeds every 3 hours or so at night from birth have reduced to every 4 or 5 hours, typically one at around 2am, after him falling asleep around 8/9pm, another around 5/6am, Abbie coming in around 7am and the day starting all over. Can't describe the relief over realising that I may not actually be responsible for the feeding-through-the-night we used to have.
Days changed a little once B went back to work. Abbie had also developed a rather more amplified crying ability, over big and little things alike, which can't really help the sleeping for Thomas or my patience! In that first post-paternity leave week, I got myself into a little bit of a silly state, wanting to conform to the 'good baby' tradition: thinking I should avoid cosleeping and encourage sleep in the moses basket over all other options (other sleeping locations being deemed as inappropriate or not to be mentioned to the public for an expectation that they'll think I'm doing wrong). But was relieved after hearing from others that plenty of babies don't conform to this tradition either, i.e., they are all individuals, I wasn't in a minority after all: This is Normal! Suggestions of slings, swaddling and just to not worry made a big difference to my momentary wobble. If I looked inside myself, I knew not to worry either.
Just go with it
The main skills that I've learnt have been improvisation and flexibility: sometimes things work, sometimes they don't, but it is all still ok. It's also a relief to be applying what I've learnt from past experience with baby Abigail. The regrets I have from not knowing everything and doing it all right the first time around (which is of course unrealistic and impossible), can now be turned around and applied positively to taking care of her and her new baby brother. Those confusing times happened for a reason.
This is the title of a film which I have never seen and have no idea about what the plot is, but the words sum life up at the moment. Our house isn't exactly clean and tidy, neither are the residents for that matter, but it's working out well all in all. We muddle through and there are magical moments daily. Thomas has started smiling, cooing and ah-gooing recently, Abbie has developed a lightening speed when helping nappy changes - just the mere mention of Thomas needing changing and she's right in there, pulling the poppers apart and undoing his nappy, so keen it almost makes me cry with pride! Abbie has been lovely to Thomas as well, she may be a bit over enthusiastic with how she helps Mummy sometimes (e.g., nappies) and may need holding back with how she wants to cuddle him, but she means well and that means alot. Yes, she tests for attention, and can find it frustratingly difficult to listen to me and my requests at times (I feel like an armchair dictator alot at the moment as Thomas feeds more in this heat), but it's all understandable and usually because she's overtired and I missed it. Furthermore, it's not been half as hard as I expected. We're both saying that it's a shame we left it so long to have another child, because we're enjoying it and so pleased to have another addition to the family. I hesitate to say, but actually, it's been comparatively easy. I didn't know I could feel so much love all over again for a second baby, there is summation not just facilitation. I wasn't sure if it would feel so strongly after the newness of the first born had passed. I didn't have to worry. To quote a book from stories of motherhood that I'm reading, having children "opens up new rooms in your heart that you never knew existed". I'm experiencing some of the happiest times of my life at the moment, and I can say the same for my husband.
Anna... This totally sums up how I feel too! Obviously our experiences were different... But you've captured the feelings perfectly!
ReplyDeleteThe part where you realise you weren't responsible for Abigail's through the night feeding made me cry in recognition of myself! I wish we could bottle this happy feeling of contentment and experience and go back in time to give it to our post-natal, newborn addled selves!
I wish I could print this out and give it to my PND affected self (both times!) as I am sure it would have helped!
Take care K xxxx
I want to be as honest as I can to show that I didn't know what I'm doing and that it's ok. Seems that what I'm saying is matched by many others as well. I wish that I could have read something like this (by someone else of course!) when I was confused mostly all of the time back then too...
ReplyDeleteAbove all, I hope reading this has allowed you to find some peace about the PND times you went through. Thanks for reading, and supporting my writing. AX