Working out boundaries is hard work

For my own reasons, I've wanted to avoid introducing any discipline to Abigail as she progresses through her baby and toddler years, while she's beginning to figure out her place in the world and how she fits in amongst those around her. I expect her to be focussed on her own needs above anybody else's, so understand that she doesn't understand concepts of sharing, for example. This is mostly because of the introduction to child development during my first degree, e.g., the developmental stages from Freud's Id to Ego then Super-Ego (see also). I don't want to set adult expectations on a small child - although I recognise the need for boundaries, I want to do it in a sensitive manner. My focus (in case you hadn't guessed already) is on wanting her to feel secure and loved, but am now unsure about how to keep that up alongside managing her ever more noticeable (and normal) unruly toddler behaviour, as my techniques so far are not always sufficient. 

She is now two years and four months old and I haven't seen much progress in my ability to control her, particularly when playing with other children - lots of snatching toys (hers and others'), pushing, slapping etc., particularly when she gets frustrated.  There are some things that I can let go of (choose your battles), but when she's upsetting other children, lashing out at me or B, damaging property at ours or someone else's houses, or doing things that could cause harm to herself or others, I have to intervene more effectively.
 
Her language still has a way to go, so I suspect that frustration at not being able to express her needs is playing a part, and that these physical outbursts will die down as her speech communication improves, but I don't think my style of managing things is working. Worse than that, when what I say doesn't work for the fifth time and I'm starting to feel and look like a walking doormat, I lose my temper and turn into the type of person I especially don't want to be (grumpy, angry, bossy Mum - hell).

What have I been doing so far?

My post, "Saying No in the Yes cycle", mostly described how I tried to do things: talking to her about what I need her to do and why and framing it at her level.

So far, we've (B & I) both worked on the principle that although her speech production is still developing, her comprehension of what we and those around her are saying is more developed. Therefore, talking to her, explaining what is happening and why it isn't acceptable is one element of how we respond to difficult behaviour. Another, is that being aware of the physical environment - making sure we approach her from her level (rather than shouting from a distance), crouching down to her eye-level when talking to her.

I haven't been so consistent at these lately though with the pregnancy (or pregnancy paranoia) limiting my movements physically or tiredness limiting my patience. Also, my words seem to be making no difference, Abigail usually just continues doing what she is doing no matter what I'm asking her to do and it isn't a great feeling.

I sometimes think that she is victim to her own instincts, unable to stop and think about what she's doing, even if she knows she shouldn't - a rage fires up and she lashes out without her brain being able to speak to her hand and stop it, so she slaps a child for taking her toy away from her (for example). She needs an alternative to the physical reflexes currently wired in, and I'd also like her to pay more attention to me and B when we are warning her to not do things for her own safety.

So what now?

Having a method that does work, that does provide the reasonable boundaries for her is what we need. I've been aware of other friends using the 'naughty step' or something similar for a while now. I've avoided it, mostly because of the word 'naughty' and not thinking it should apply to two year olds - only when they've gone through the boundary-finding year and they still rebel would I find the word applicable... However, I'm realising that the technique does work and it also seems to reduce stress levels in all involved. The parents know it works, so don't work themselves up into a state as they have a tool to manage their children, and the children now gradually have a chance to build up some kind of system of correct behaviour. I wouldn't want to use the method for every single nit-picking problem with Abigail, but the biggies I've mentioned so far do need addressing before I lose it, even if Abigail doesn't! Instead of raising my voice, I'm hoping that the atmosphere at home will be alot calmer, especially when there are lots of toddlers playing together.

I only decided yesterday to start this up, so cannot feedback on it too much yet. I have decided to call it Time Out, rather than the Naughty Step. [Funnily enough, this happens to be the original name used by the psychologist who first researched the method (Arthur Staats; Jo Frost, aka Supernanny, adopted this technique, relabelling it as the naughty step)].

B is signing up to it too. From now on, when behaviours go wild, I shall take Abigail and sit her away from the action (I'm not allocating a chair, just somewhere in the room she's in, free from distractions) and saying she needs to sit there for 2 minutes because she did XYZ and shouldn't for reasons ABC. Then, once the concept of time out is laid, I can say that she'll have to have time out if she continues XYZ again, and use the time out when my warnings are ignored.

Here's a description based on Staats' 1968 concept:

"Time-outs are recommended for toddlers and younger children. The purpose is to isolate or separate the child for a short period of time in order to allow the child to calm down, as well as to discourage inappropriate behaviour.

Time-outs may be on a chair, step, corner or any other location where there are no distractions. The child should be old enough to sit still and is required to remain there for a fixed period as a punishment and to allow them time to reflect on their actions and consequences of it. The procedure has been recommended as a time for parents to separate feelings of anger toward the child for their misbehavior, replacing yelling with a calmer and more predictable approach.

To be most effective, parents should evaluate each situation to determine what may be causing the misbehavior, such as a toy, frustration, hunger or lack of sleep. Parents should also explain why the child was put there, in order to make it an opportunity for learning, and how long he must stay there.

In some views, the only requirement for release is for the child to be sitting quietly, while others advocate a set period of time. When the child has calmed down, they may then express their needs in a more polite manner or return to their activity"

I have a feeling the setting out of the time out in the early weeks will be the hardest but that things will get better from there. I also expect that I'm going to find it difficult deciding what actions I use the method on and which ones I leave out. I'm hoping I'll get an instinct for what's appropriate in the end. Whatever we do use it for, we need to be consistent too. It is alot to remember! If it works it'll be worth it for all of us.

Sharing opportunities

Furthermore, while Abbie is our only child, we're going to try and offer times where she shares, i.e., with Mummy or Daddy, so that she can experience it more at home so she's more able to at least think about sharing with other children (more advice from a fellow Mum of a toddler and new baby). My experience of a friend's twin girls also show how much better they are at it due to having to share from the very beginning in one way or another. I'm hoping that sharing will get better as our brood grows and the toddler years won't be so hard with baby number two!

Praise

Whilst all this is going on, I also need to remember to keep up the praise when Abbie does things that deserve it, and lots of it to draw attention to all the good things she does - it'll also hopefully help me from feeling like a constant rule maker.

Anybody else got any advice/ experiences to share? Would love to know if you have been through it and whether you have any other pointers?