"Don't worry Mummy"

For the last few weeks I've had a few ups and downs, mostly revolving around behaviour: mine, my daughter's, other people. Reflecting back over now, the comment my daughter made to me today says it all (see title). It happened after I was trying to explain (yes, to an almost 3 year old - what was I thinking?), that I was upset that we couldn't get her haircut because she didn't want to when we got there (after a struggle to get there in the first place). From now on, I'm going to try and not worry as much. I said try.

"You cannot explain everything to everyone" - Pythagoras

When I first read this quote off my husband's fridge magnet, I thought it was being arrogant: assuming that you knew everything and everyone else isn't clever enough. But really now I realise it's saying that you cannot explain/justify your life and choices you make to all people, not everyone will understand or hear you, no matter how much you keep trying to explain, or how straightforward it seems to you, you have to just let go and accept it.

I have an unlimited amount of optimism that if only people knew the truth, that they were informed, that they can be kitted out and so empowered to make the best decisions for them - in all life areas. I do not agree that one way is THE way - the differences between my own children alone teach me that (let alone all the other indicators). Instead, I believe that decisions that come from an informed start point (as informed as anyone can manage anyway) and sit well with what your inner voice is telling you, are best for parents and children alike.

Social support

Lately, I've been part of a few social Mum groups on Facebook, where people post various questions and announcements, looking for incidental advice and social chatter from other Mums. The groups vary, and I've had some online blows to my "hippy supermum" methods, even though I didn't intend to offend only help. However, who cares about what I have to say anyway? Who am I to say anything compared to anyone else? So probably best to keep my very well intentioned sticky beak out, and let people figure things out for themselves, just as I have done. On the other hand, it has been a great resource for advice for me, e.g., local toddler groups recommended, or just chance to meet up offline with like-minded Mums (one ended up living on the same road as me!). However, I now know that it's best to stick to conversations with people I know, and although I still get alot from chatting via Facebook, speaking in person is even better.

Lost: Mother in charge of toddler

Another, slightly bigger cause of worry has been how to get Abbie to listen more, or at least, to be patient with her as she repeatedly ignores me, or more, that I need to  remember the causes of her not listening - is she tired? is she hungry? is she a bit upset because Daddy's away at the moment with work? is she bored of being fobbed off because I've got to feed Thomas? (for example). When Abbie's behaviour is disruptive, whether that's not listening, and so, e.g., spilling/breaking something as a result, answering back, or randomly throwing domino pieces at the window, I tend to get a vast emptiness in my head about what to do or go from 0 to angry too quickly. I know that whatever my instincts are they come too late (i.e., you shouldn't lose your temper, remember she's a child, don't expect too much from her, be understanding), the instinct to tell her off kicks in first and I hate myself for it (this also throws my informed decision/inner voice philosophy somewhat). B is amazing, he has a different internal system, his first reaction is so much softer and kinder than mean me. But this also suggests to me that there are different ways to react to toddlers, perhaps based on your upbringing/wiring? There are instincts and instincts.

Anyway... I am trying to do the right thing. My friend recommended a reward chart, so have downloaded a pirate one from the Supernanny website and it's really been helpful. We've stuck to rewards each day being based around her Listening, saying Please and Thankyou and Being Kind (I've avoided negatives, e.g., Not hitting others). She's got to the pirate ship and enjoyed it, we even coloured it in together. Stickers all round. This doesn't mean that I'll start promising Abbie gifts for passing exams when she's older, but as a short term thing, I've found it useful.

Secondly, I downloaded a few factsheets on Getting Your Child to Listen and How to Stay Calm with your Child from said website. That at first threw me and made me feel terrible for falling into the traps of some of the definitely less positive parenting approaches they describe (threats, critiscism, sarcasm) when at my wits end. It did give me something to focus on where I could be constructive, not confused about what tools to use. So focusing on using positive instructions ("be gentle to Thomas, he's not as big as you", rather than "don't squash him..."). This combined with Time Out has really helped. [I know that when I wrote about it before I didn't need it that much, but certainly late twos, early threes, it's essential].

[Quick note on the Supernanny site, don't get unravelled whilst searching/browsing: you could download 100 factsheets and feel quite confused/downheartened. Get in, find your specific bit of advice and get the hell out of there!].

Keeping entertained

Finally, I've found out about a few more toddler groups for us, to provide some more interests for us both while we're limited with looking after baby Thomas to do much together that easily. That has helped too, being at home alot I'm sure made things harder for Abbie. We found a particularly good group at our local Steiner school (this photo is from a similar Steiner group). It was like another world - so calm and peaceful, not what you'd expect at all, everything for little'ns is usually so hectic. We were even given slippers to wear inside (Abbie chose the Thomas the tank engine ones). The toys were all made out of natural materials, there were songs to go along with different routine activities, e.g., about washing our hands before we all had lunch together, then a candle lit to symbolise the start of the meal and blown out to say it was ok to leave the table... There were stories and songs in a circle before the end of the session. We both left the group feeling a little light headed, like we'd been on a meditation class than at a toddler group!

So...

So to sum up, I can be a worrier, and am trying not to, but also trying to do the right thing by my family and getting the balance right is a checking process that will no doubt go on forever. I do expect that in ten years time I'll look back and wonder why I worried so much, that I didn't need to... but this is who I am and I'll get the hindsight later, because that what hindsight is! Don't be scared either - toddlers are great. Abbie is great. All the not listening etc., is all normal, and necessary for her to learn those boundaries / be guided. We are learning together and getting there (and I keep saying that I should have a pirate reward chart too!).