Talk talk

How do you feel about the heirarchy of communication that exists these days, from a nice chat with a cuppa, to somebody you haven't seen for 10 years liking your Facebook status? Are we watering down our communication skills or broadening them? How are these styles of interaction affecting who we are, and what relationships we have, how we are with our children and the role models we are for them? I have a feeling that everything I'm about to write isn't new, but what alot of us are thinking these days...

The realisation that there is a conflict between our need to socialise and interact, and the interference, as well as contribution made, by digital technology (the internet, smartphones, social networking, computer games etc.,) is happening. Just last week, Radio 4 were at The Aspen Festival of Ideas, Colorado, USA, discussing the subject; and Will Self and Zadie Smith talked about writing and being distracted by the internet (I couldn't find the link, but press article here); Women's Hour discussed the problems of young girls feeling obligated to post suggestive photos of themselves on Facebook and other networks being raised by Esther Ransen based on calls they make to ChildLine. There's also been a pretty funny comedy taken from the Edinburgh festival, "Pearl and Dave", depicting the change from relationships beginning with a chat in person, asking out to cinema etc., and these days initiated through Facebook messaging, before meeting in person (which all became too much and online interaction returned).  Beyond the radiowaves, my husband had to initiate the banning of smartphones in the workplace a while ago, due to the distraction to those employees who own them and their office colleagues, and its impact on productivity (quality and quantity). My focus on young families is just one of many discussions going on with regards to how to get the balance right with regards to how we use (and don't use) technology.

Note: Yes I have been listening to alot of Radio 4. I made the most of the opportunity to whilst Abigail was on hols with her grandparents a few weeks ago!

Be here now

So many people seem to be unable to put their phone down. I was at the park last week with a friend and her two children. Without necessarily wanting to, I couldn't help notice a dad who was hunched under the slide staring at his smartphone, while his two older boys (4 and 7?) were climbing up and down the slide, hanging out, generally keeping themselves busy. Every so often he interjected their time-passing with some sort of critical bark, which didn't seem to be inline with reality, his eyes rarely leaving the screen. Abbie and her friend were fine, they could get up and down the slide, so his boys weren't causing any problems.  On the other hand, at the ideas conference forum I listened to a few weeks ago, someone in the audience said about how they wanted to get to a point where their teenage children would communicate with them with something more than a text message or email; another about the 'addiction' of their 20 something sons to computer games and concerns over the social and financial cost of them.

The overriding message from the various forum speakers was to make the most of the benefits of these digital tools , but to also unplug and be there (collaboration and instant information over the web, for example, though with a counter example that we all have experienced 'that teacher' who made the difference to our education). Julie Taymor (Lion King director/animator) couldn't believe that her co-speakers on the bus to the conference, with the backdrop of the beautiful Aspen scenery, had their heads down to their phones! On another thread, Will Self agreed when talking about distraction when writing that, rather than the non pop-up technology to prevent distraction when online so favoured by Zadie Smith, Self recommended turning it all off.

Analogue child, digital adult

My dad even had a carphone once for work. Apart from that technological peak, if I wanted to talk to somebody (outside of school) I went to their house, met them at youth club or called them at home. I answered the phone with Hello and [our phone number]. You could look up people's numbers in the phone book. If I was out and had 10p, I could phone home if I needed to change plans by walking to the nearest phone box. In emergencies, reverse the charges. If no phone box, knock on someone's door and ask to use their phone (my sister and I did this once, not because it was an emergency but because we were lazy and didn't want to walk home when we got off the bus). I enjoyed sitting on the stairs in the hall on the phone to a friend.

When I left for university in London in 1997, I wrote letters and postcards to my family and friends. Sometimes I made a telephone call but there were 3 payphones on the ground floor of my halls and I was on the fourth floor. Receiving a call meant prearranging a time and waiting. I also arranged to meet friends at uni by leaving notes in their pigeonholes. In London, yes phoneboxes were advertising posts for sex workers, but they were also very much used for making telephone calls. People read books and newspapers on the tube to avoid eye contact and/or pass the time (apart from Australians, who just struck up a loud conversation anyway - are Aussies stifled by smartphones now or do they still talk on the tube?).

Anyway, some time in those four years arrived email and the internet. I remember around the summer 2000, my now husband suggesting search engines and explaining what they were. I think I used Ask. I got some sort of brick mobile around 2000. Then I have some vague instant messager memories. Some years later Facebook was introduced for those with certain .ac.uk email addresses and the rest is history. I've no idea about what tweeting is.

Other uses for telephones if no one uses them?

Now I communicate with many through text messages, Facebook, and email (an Ofcom study from July this year states texts have overtaken calls). I use them to arrange a time to call or meet up, when the catch up happens. I think only a few just phone directly, which is a real treat though sometimes awkward when in the middle of the bedtime madness, I don't mind really. I've certainly become overly considerate when it comes to calling anyone anymore ("when's a good day to talk? At what time?"). Where I never used to be so anxious about calling at the wrong time, now I diarise calls [although I still use a pen and paper]. Not having a contract, people who don't have landlines are even harder to speak to if I can't actually meet them. I speak most regularly to half a handful of friends and family on the landline.

Long live long phone calls

I'm out of practise with conversation alot of the time. Spending my days with a 3 year old especially, it's just not possible to finish a sentence about anything you really want to talk about with another adult. You also can't say everything in front of them. They may not be able to reproduce what you say, but it is still going in. And it wouldn't be fair on/show respect for them to ignore their efforts to communicate/involve you in what they're doing, in order to talk to the adults in the room for long periods. They're in the room too (along with that growing self esteem). 

Then once everybody's in bed (8-8.30pm), either I'm too tired/got 101 other things to sort while have handsfree or the person at the other end of the phone (also with children) is not up to speaking for the same reasons.

My husband says I text too much. He'd much rather pick up the phone. He's a quality over quantity sort of person. He doesn't talk to people until it's the right time. He wouldn't phone someone when out just because he's bored ("Hi, it's me, just thought I'd phone to say hi" [cue emptying of gas build up between ears]). He's the same with letters and cards. I get a little neurotic about thankyou letters and birthday cards too. It's a bit like not being able to end a text conversation, for fear of seeming rude. With a phonecall, or in person you'd just say goodbye.

In my dumbing down of communication skills, due to having a lack of opportunity for contact over the phone or in person, I wonder if I'm losing conversation skills and, weakening my relationships as a result? I know that the potential for more is there, so maybe I'll have to spend time on catch up calls when I've got more time on my hands after the young children phase of family life is passed, or is this just a sign of the i-generation we belong to? Charlie Brooker knows what I'm talking about. I hope I don't fall into a habit of weak connections. Note: I don't think the connections I have with friends and family are purposefully superficial through the web and mobile phones, I do mean it when I respond to their posts on Facebook, but it still cannot be true communication. The new Tetley tea advert back this up (if you haven't seen it, have a look at this online article about the new Make Time, Make Tetley campaign [I'm a Yorkshire tea girl btw]). 

This is a long blog, bear with me. Where am I going with this? Well, my mobile phone stopped working.

So I had to call people in order to maintain contact. It's so much nicer. This fortnight or so, I've been arranging plans for meets with friends and their children over the phone, chattering along the way about this and that. I could also hear the surprise in people's voices too. We're so out of practise at even receiving calls from anybody (except the junk calls of course).

Furthermore, it also coincided with my feeling that I should sort out my Facebook friends list. I wasn't comfortable with the number of people I had on there who I had to admit, I didn't interact with either on fb or anywhere else, and hadn't done for a few years. It didn't mean that I didn't like them, just that I suspected that they probably weren't particularly interested in my social-network-suitable life updates, and that I wasn't sure it was right to have so many photos of my children on show to so many people (and that doesn't mean I think that they're dodgy either), but do I want this information to be so freely available? I've been messaging these people one by one to explain, before deleting them from my network. The process has gone from one of apprehension to feeling rather comfortable with my decision. Many replied to say that they felt the same way about their membership, some going into more detail and us having a good chat online, better than have for years. I didn't like the idea of going through and just deleting people in a "ha! you're too boring for magnificent me" sort of way either. It's been a good process.

After more research, I decided to get a contract so that I can talk more freely to friends whose best contact is mobile-to-mobile, giving me a better chance of talking rather than texting. I also get access to free internet and texts for £15/month which keeps it all affordable. I chose a recommended HTC Android smartphone. It was delivered today. I am very excited about my new step into modern technology actually. Even scruffy, technology wary, me!  The test will be whether I can use it so that I maximise it's benefits for communication, without abusing it so that I also isolate those in the room with me at the time. For example, I don't want to stop texting people, but I can let go of feeling obliged to respond immediately by not necessarily taking it everywhere with me and, as I already do, turning it off at night. As much as possible, I'm going to try and prioritise phone calls and meeting up over other communication opportunities, but also enjoy the flexibility that these other options bring.

Role models

Our brains are social organs, they need social contact to be happy (we need social contact to be happy). Abigail and Thomas will learn how to interact with others through watching how B and I do. How we socialise is important to us and to them. I don't want them to get addicted to technology, or feel it takes priority over them (I don't think they think that but it's good to be a little cautious). A bit like sugar or alcohol, these are enjoyable things but need controlling too so not overdone! A relationship with people not things, not to mention the glorious world out there to explore and enjoy.