My take on AP

I was recently made aware of a letter in the Huffington Post slating attachment parenting, dubbed 'detachment parenting' (well, LOL). While it frustrated me that such an article had been written, it also worried me too, that it had been presented all the wrong way and the damage that could be done by it. Luckily, the author of the Nurshable blog had written a reply that clarified things and straightened out the wackiness portrayed. It inspired me to write out my understanding of what it is that I'm doing and what it is that I see Attachment Parenting to be. See what you think. It's nothing to do with superglueing yourself, or your partner, to your child either - it is about being there for them, in mind and in body.

Read these blogs first perhaps:

Nicola Kraus - My Message to Dr Sears
Nurshable - My Message to Nicola Kraus

Attachment as a concept

We're not talking about physical attachment (which perhaps the awareness of attachment-promoting behaviours, so encouraged by the Sears, like babywearing and breastfeeding might suggest). It's the psychological attachment that forms between the infant and their main caregiver, typically, their mother, and this very much depends on the interactions between them. It's involuntary in that, you cannot really stop it: you have a child, so they need someone to place responsibility for their lives onto as they cannot take care of themselves. During my year as a research fellow, I got to know the area of maternal sensitivity: their responsiveness/awareness of their infant's attempts to communicate with them. This is used in attachment research too, as a measure of the mother's ability to react appropriately to the infant's attachment seeking behaviours. The Attachment literature has been around for over 40 years and is, well, solid stuff. Attachment theory was laid down by John Bowlby and the classifications later by Mary Ainsworth. The impact of attachment is particularly important during the first 2 years, when brain development is maximal. You'll find this all in the curriculum of any Psychology course [unlike anything by Gina Ford and her 'contented' baby instructions (so if you want to bring up something like that, better buy a robot instead)].

This is my understanding of attachment, but there are plenty more reliable sources out there.

The attachment between a mother and her infant can go two ways: secure and insecure attachment.

Secure attachment is defined by four things (see left): a desire to be near those we are attached to, returning to attachment figure when seeking comfort and safety, the attachment figure is a base from which to explore the wider world and distress occurs on separation from that figure. 
 
There are three styles of insecure attachment classified at 18 months (avoidant, ambivalent and disorganised), these occur when the Mother shows little/no response to their cries (Av); shows inconsistent response (Am) or in extreme cases, displays abusive, frightening behaviour towards their child (Dis). It doesn't know that when it cries, that she'll be there; when it's hungry that it'll have his/her hunger satisfied, for example. Because of this insecurity, behaviours are setup to counter that loss of certainty, to protect itself, for instance, finding ways to self-soothe when no-one else is there for them; acting ambivalent towards it's Mother's presence. You can read up on the literature yourself and find out about the consequences of insecure attachment, and consider the adults these infants become. The attachment style of parents to their own parents, and it's consequences on how they bring up their own children is currently being studied at the level of brain imaging, for instance (e.g., Strathearn et al., 2009).

How I relate to AP

My friend said that she doesn't really need to read the Sears book to do this sort of parenting, or that she needs to call it the label of Attachment Parenting, and it's true. I only came across the Sears book and so, the name, when Abbie was about 3 months old and somebody bought it for me, and it was very good timing. The descriptions resonated with what I was trying to do already, it just allowed me (and B too) to have more faith in what we were trying to do, and to ignore more easily any conflicting advice from other baby books or well-meaning friends/relatives (rod for my own back phrases spring to mind regarding picking babies up when they cry). The attachment parenting approach is based on attachment theory, which itself is an evolutionary theory: "infants seek proximity to a specified attachment figure in situations of distress or alarm for the purpose of survival". So surely, by following my instincts, for instance, wanting to pick up Thomas when he's crying and comfort him in anyway I can to make him feel better, I am following the evolved behaviours for promoting healthy human development (which in the long term, benefits the continuation of the human race).

Attachment-promotion

The Sears' baby book sets out various ways to be with your baby, encouraging the value of co-sleeping/bedsharing, babywearing, breastfeeding/bottle feeding with love, nighttime parenting and so on. I would recommend giving these things a go as they promote bonding with your baby through touch, cuddles, eye contact, listening and facial interaction (smiles between one another etc.). I was a late starter with slings and am a firm believer in the connection you can make with your child when carrying them this way, same goes for cosleeping and the obvious bonds that come from breastfeeding, not only with your baby but with understanding the amazingness of your own body and how it has been designed to meet their needs. As an extension, other approaches that I believe compliment these include feeding on demand, baby massage, and baby-led weaning (baby-led anything really).

However, the key element to AP, the one thing that makes this form of parenting more universal than may be realised, i.e., lots of parents are likely to be attachment parents whether they own a sling or breastfeed or do not do any of these, is that you follow your child's cues. As long as you are doing this, the baby, infant and all ages beyond, knows that it's efforts to communicate with you are being acknowledged, and even if you do not respond to them correctly first time, that you are respecting them as little communicating beings with needs and trying to help them the best that you can. They can count on you to be there for them. In doing so, you are giving them the sense of security that will set them up for life.

I cannot say more than that really. Bringing up secure human beings is what it's about. Attachment parenting is not about needy treehuggers keeping their children in their bras, Ms Kraus! It's not from some fad-diet book of parenting. Attachment parenting is about being there to take care of your children, and to love and respect them and recognise them as individuals who want to be involved in your world, no matter where they sleep, what milk they drink or how they are transported around.

Left: Abbie self styled herself last week with the hairband and asked to carry her bunny in a sling. I let her do it as it didn't matter to me and we went out for a walk like it too.... why not?!

Even more information (from Psychology.about website): Characteristics of Secure Attachment