Chances to bond

When you have a baby, having them close, being there as soon as they need you is something you want to do automatically. So how does this work when you are responsible for two children (a lively toddler and a little baby)? I've been figuring this out over the past ten weeks. 

Talking to a friend whilst pregnant with my second child, she prepared me for the lack of time you get to spend with your baby - that it's never like the first time around because you just don't get the opportunities anymore. She said that it's still a wonderful time, but that not being able to be with her son as much as she would have liked was also hard. I certainly felt this most during the first few days after Thomas was born - wanting to just take care of him, and not lose those precious early moments, but also not wanting to upset Abbie by making her feel left out by me. This was especially so with the earlier warnings sitting in my mind. Was it always going to be this way?

It hasn't worked out as tough as I expected. Different parents, different children all over again. Although the preparatory warnings were worth listening to, I haven't missed being with Thomas - the other way around really, with needing to find one-to-one time with Abbie (something I'm continually working on). I believe that three things have allowed me to have the maximum bonding time with Thomas. These are: 1/ Co-sleeping, 2/ Babywearing, and 3/ Breastfeeding. My husband gets a chance to carry Thomas in the sling, and cosleeps aswell, so allows him that time to be close too. In addition to the bonding time, they've also been the most practical for me. Unsurprisingly, all come out of the attachment parenting handbook (so methods to promote a secure bonding with your child). They all are habits that have formed kind of by accident, however. Links below to the Dr Sears website for these three activities.

Co-sleeping just became the easiest and then most preferred option for bedtime, as it allowed easy breastfeeding and less interrupted sleep for both of us. The most amazing thing is that I wake up just as he starts snorting, something about his breathing pattern changes and before I know it, he's rooting for his 5am feed. No crying involved. I've found it alot less stressful than dragging myself out of bed, and he doesn't have the time to get worked up waiting for me either. I also get an additional 8 hours or so to spend with my baby, further to daytime hours. It's difficult to explain but there's something very special about sleeping alongside your baby / children (Abbie [who also co-slept for the first 6 months] sometimes sleeps in our bed if she's feeling unwell / needs reassurrance, e.g., when Daddy's away). On a practical note, having a bedrail and a kingsize bed means that all three of us are together with comfortably enough room (although sometimes it does feel abit like the positions in the picture, see above, it just takes practise!).

Babywearing has been essential with a toddler to take care of as well, when I need my handsfree to help Abbie or get jobs done around the house (not polishing the silver, but making some headway on the mountain of washing! - see left for an example of someone else making use of sling, in what looks like rescuing a baby goat?). So, if Thomas needed the comfort of being held for sleep or just to stay in the same room as me when I'm moving around the house, there is only one option. It's best for Abbie too, as she still comes second alot of the time, so the more I use the sling, the more I can turn that around (and actually put them both first). I love the feeling of having him close and that it doesn't affect anything or anybody else. I'll just add that he does also get time to himself: sleep in the moses basket, or in the bouncy chair and have awake times on the mat etc.!

Breastfeeding has meant that I am with Thomas as often as he needs me when hungry/thirsty, but this time is a chance to cuddle and bond aswell. No one else is diluting that time down. It's also good because it allows me a chance to prioritise, to stop and sit still for times in the day (oh yes, I don't need to do this, sitting down and slowing down is better). I imagine the same effect happens with formula feeding when Mums do the majority of feeds (I think Dr Sears calls it "bottle feeding with love"). Just that sit down, cuddle/chat/look at each other time. I'm also sometimes able to multitask- cuddle with Abbie as we watch TV or read a book together. I'm trying to learn more activities I can do with her, or that she can do by herself with me joining in from a distance (nursery rhymes, for instance). Stories and songs especially I would think both children enjoy hearing.

These are the three approaches that have helped me spread my time and attention between my children. There are likely to be many other options and alternatives to suit each and every family.

Why am I concerned about bonding?

I believe that starting things off right now, sets things up right for my children for life and it's what I'm striving to achieve, despite the bumps along the way as I learn and face challenges. I know I've talked alot about attachment parenting, so if you want to know more, here's a fairly basic description of Attachment Theory and Attachment Parenting (or try The Sears and Sears Baby Book).

Having said this, I didn't start AP intentionally, I just read the book and it reflected back at me what I wanted to do anyway, it's just that other books/advice/marketing had made me wonder if what my instincts were saying were correct. Reading and learning about this style of parenting has helped me to be more confident now. I would expect that AP resonates with most parents and their wishes for their children: to be in tune enough with their child so that their baby knows that they can trust them to be there and care for them. If our child cries, we help them.