We could have had it all

To return to my opinions, "Having it all", and the associated checklist is something that I loathe. The pressure it puts on women is ridiculous. I say women, because it seems to primarily describe the lives of women, rather than considering whether men can have it all, (or assumes they are already?) but I'll return to that. 

Billie Piper and her son

"Having it all" seems to be something along the lines of having a career (but not just any career, something BIG, IMPRESSIVE); having a partner (but not just any partner...); having a family (but not... you probably get it now); maybe even having good looks and a good sex life to boot. Woweee. It's there for us to see whenever any, some may say (and I am one of them most of the time), poor celebrity women get pregnant - the pressure is on to tick those boxes. To quote Emma Thompson, "Having it all is a revolting concept".

The concept didn't used to have the steroids to it that it seems to have in today's slightly air-brushed society. An interesting article from the Guardian (written in 2008) describes the Compleat Woman: Marriage, Motherhood, Career - Can She Have it All? written by Valerie Grove in 1987 and its relevance to today.

To qualify as "compleat" (the title was a play on Izaak Walton's The Compleat Angler), they had to have been married for more than 25 years, have had three or more children and a stellar career.

...The definition, however, is what many girls still grow up expecting - a marriage that lasts a lifetime, the number of children they would like, the career they want. But statistically very few in the current generation are likely to achieve more than one of these, let alone all three.

It admits the difficulties of balancing it all, but that it is possible - for example, TV producer, Isabel Morgan, age 57:

"It didn't trouble me at all - even though I had a lot of travel, shift-work, working late. I had huge amounts of support from Rob, from my mother and from nannies. I didn't have the luxury of sitting at home - we needed both salaries coming into the house - but I really didn't want to not work. I think I have been very lucky because I had the sort of career I wanted."

Unfortunately, to bring us up-to-date with current examples, it lists incredibly rich women, which surely doesn't provide a normal example for us to work towards if our idea of "having it all" isn't the steroids one? (The life of Cherie Blair and Victoria Beckham anyone?). Read the full article to get a better picture though (the book is out of print, but is for sale).

So do I think "Having it all" is bad?

An alternative "all"

No, I don't. Wouldn't it be great to genuinely have it all? I do think that it should be a flexible concept, open to each person to find their own "all". This might be focusing on being a Mum, or having your career. Maybe a part time of both. It might be dividing them up in time (e.g., full-time Mum until all children in school, career focus starting later). It might be not having children. It could be joining the circus. The possibilities are endless.

It is what you make of life, rather than a particular box to fit yourself into.

No heirarchy please

In its current state it is insulting to anybody who hasn't wanted to or been able to do all of those things - think of our Mothers, Grandmothers who never had a career but gave their all to their family, for example. What about lesbian and gay couples? What about those who are unable to have children? What about those who grew up in a "broken home", with step- or half-siblings and parents with an unstable marriage? What about those who haven't the opportunity open to them to achieve career success alongside the family? Are these people to feel inferior for not belonging to that aspirational set [I'm getting an image of the "smug marrieds" from Bridget Jones' Diary]? Furthermore, the focus is on women, when men's lives don't seem to be considered in this triad. My husband hates the fact that he's away from us fairly regularly because of his work. It's hard enough for him that he misses out on so much time with us during the week, not to mention the weekends when he's working extra hours here and there. Does he have a choice too? What is expected of him?

To sum up: Do what is right for you and your situation, and you will have your all. (Well that's what I'm hoping anyway).